Have you ever talked to your other side? How much do you know about it?
It is one thing to feel frustrated and another to end a life. I have always been a thinker, playing around thoughts, creating images, situations in my mind and living them again and again. I believe thoughts have a life. My thoughts are alive.
It becomes dangerous when you begin to lose a grip on these thoughts and they begin to cross a line. It is frustrating to see your own thoughts intrude and disturb your life. But I wonder who is at fault here? Am I the one who is too compassionate to welcome each and every one of them and toy with my senses? I think no!
I have often thought of how it is like to end a life, thriving in your mind. In your head. I give shape and form to every thought that takes birth in the womb of my darker self. You know it’s interesting to consider this for a fact that the gender of your other side is always the opposite of what you’re from outside. I am a male and my ethereal half is a SHE and she is quite dark. It has a kinky ring to it, right?
Well, hold that thought, you might want to reconsider the kinky part for she has a lust. A thirst for darker things other than the usual. Violence. Torture. I think she is sadistic. She is very cunning to always dupe me into impregnating her with my innocence and in return she creates something out of that. Something dark. She transforms the seed of my innocence into darkness. But I love her. She is mine. The dark thoughts she creates with my innocence are my kids. I have given them life and I can always take it back from them. Not so innocent afterall?
She doesn’t mind me draining life out of our kids because not every thought is worth granting a gift of life, right? My thoughts look pretty much like me and the way I slice them to drain the blood out of them is exciting. She loves to watch because I do it so innocently. She makes me do it.
Have you ever killed one of yours?
Murder your own thoughts?
An insight into the dark mind of a lone wolf. A dark journey…
There are times when I just want to slip under the blanket and lie. I simply want to be there in the cold dark silence of my mind. It was less, these times but now they are increasing in number. It is like am surrounded by some darkness. A very grim pitch black hedious darkness. The only problem is I like it.
I have never been so quiet in my life and I don’t mean talking-less-quiet. It feels like am numbing out my senses and my emotions. I have started to care less of what people think about me or in other words what I used to think about them. A psychologist will probably congratulate me here. But I don’t want to see one. I am inside a dark womb, an uncharted territory of my darker self. I do not savour food or drinks anymore. I think am imploding within. A spiritual teacher will probably shower their blessings on me for being on a highway to meet my higher self. I don’t know if am leaving my higher self behind or going towards him but I like driving on this road. It’s quiet, dark and lonely. Just the way I like it.
I see people around me sharing their happy moments, fathers talking to their children over phone and men taking care of their ladies, women falling desperately head over heels for them, but I can’t feel it. I have my own moments of success, of happiness but I can’t feel them. Why? Am I the progenitor of walking dead in this age? I am becoming adept at faking conversations, faking smiles and the fact that they think am listening to their incessant blabbering makes me wonder how gullible these humans are. I like the idea of companionship but I wonder if there is another person out there who can understand this. This new me. I wonder if she can see through my mask, my faces. They say a Gemini has two faces but I think I have the 13th zodiac- Onion!
Just when they think I have started opening up, I present to you ladies and gents- A mystery… An enigma that I am, looking for someone who can solve me or help me solve my self at the least. There is no place for love in my life because I do not understand it. I was fascinated by it in my early teens and wanted to feel it but now I think it is just pheromones rushing and testosterone rising. Like a tiger struck by the need to feed its hunger, it quietly sets the stage to catch its prey. Its predatory magnetism expands itself very slowly to surround the naive deer enjoying the lush green fields. The deer knows that it is food for someone out there and yet it tries to enjoy its present moment. Naive!
This is what Love is. And am not a deer. Am a wolf, an old and lone one, immune to the ordinary carnal desires.
This is new me, embracing the dark me, leaving behind the light. I am entering the dark womb from whence my archenemy was born- LIGHT!
Understanding the divine masculine and feminine within yourself is the first step towards creation…
Mysticism and Science agree on one thing that there are two ways in
which cosmic energy behaves-
ABSORPTION and RADIATION.
Masculinity is all about radiation while the Feminine is absorption.
It is the inherent nature of feminine aspect of the universe to absorb
whatever is given to her and multiply it, regenerate it and transform
it. It is the divine feminine which gives birth to forms or attributes, designs or shapes. Whereas the masculine aspect of the universe is formless. It cannot rely on the shapes because radiation is beyond shapes or configurations. It will not be too much to call the macrocosm being ruled or created by the feminine while microcosm being subject to masculinity.
That is why the outer world has been termed as the illusion or Maya because it is really transient and ever transforming. The one who understands this can project the divine masculinity outwards into the
womb of the divine feminine of the macrocosm to give birth to a new
reality. In fact, earth is a realm created by feminine forces of the
The conflict between the matriarch and patriarch is really the projected imbalance between absorptive and radiative forces of the cosmos. Earth doesn’t need takers anymore but the givers. That is why the concept of compassion has been so up lately. Men need to learn to radiate – love, strength, peace, harmony, health, vigour and power while women need to learn to affectively absorb these forces and transform the reality all around. Although we do this all the time but only ‘UNCONSCIOUSLY’. That’s why I always say- WAKE UP!
Man is the SUN radiating energy to create life while Woman is the MOON
absorbing and transforming that energy to generate and nourish the
– KARTIKEYA AWASTHI
The Dark Goddess
The Dark Mother
The Dark Feminine
The Dark Side
She has no face but can show you yours.
She has no voice but can make yours heard.
I hate the fact that you are somewhere happy and giggling and here I am writing my heart sadly singing,
I hate the fact that you wanted to see me writing all day everyday, and here I am scribbling alone today,
I hate the fact that you are visiting places and buying things alone, and here I am loving the solitude all along,
I hate the fact that you were so stubborn, and here I am wondering why I have to carry this heartburn all alone,
I wish I had never met you but I would have hated the god more if I was never given a chance to love you.
I wish I was more flexible when I decided to leave you but what if I never left you?
You thought I cheated and I thought you wanted a break, nobody told us to just stay,
I wish You were more understanding when I decided to take a break but what if I never broke up?
You thought I was leaving and I thought you were cheating, nobody told us to just stay,
I wish you remembered the long walks by the beach and the silence of the nights, but what if you wanted to forget?
You thought I forgot and I thought you never remembered, nobody told us to just stay,
I wish I could get back what I lost in you but what if you don’t want to be found?
You thought I lost you and I thought you lost me,
But nobody told us to just stay and find each other in between!
Mistakes. Something we all are hardwired to do.
I think I love making mistakes. I often ask myself a question- “Would it make any difference if I was never mistaken?” My brain responds-“No. Never making a mistake is the biggest mistake you can ever make in your life.”
Life’s biggest lessons come from being uncertain. In fact, uncertainty is the biggest gift humans are blessed with because it gives plenty of room for making mistakes and learning from them. You can never learn without making a single mistake ever. Even God made a few mistakes. I guess that is why we were made in the god’s image. God made us like this so we can understand that a mistake is not about its consequences or punishments but like a flower blooming in all of its splendor with the first rays of the sun of realization falling upon it.
Imagine all those moments when you realized your mistakes. Think about how that realization felt. It was almost like a power switch turned on. Right? The ‘Oh and Ahh moment’. It feels so light like a weight has been lifted off your chest. I think that moment is the pure bliss. Bliss doesn’t come from always being right. Bliss is felt upon the realization of your mistakes. The Honest Mistakes.
A mistake is a deed performed without any pre-thought intensions or calculated plannings though your plans may contain some unknown flaws and shortcomings without your awareness. You can safely call mistakes occurring in your life as a reminder from the soul. A reminder that you are young and still have a lot to learn. So does that mean with old age, our mistakes will reduce? I think not. Age is just biological and mental. You, a soul, never age and deep down you know this fact all the time. The mind refuses to believe so. Your mind is so attached to the body that it forgets its true nature when it sees the biological soul-suit ( physical body) aging and getting weaker every year. Your mind gets caught up in the race to feel younger from the outside. That is when the soul reminds the mind from within about its immortality. It reminds the mind that it is young, strong and full of energy by committing mistakes. Mistakes that shouldn’t have happened. Mistakes that were too obvious and still you made them. The soul reminds the mind continuously of the fact it just requires to learn new things. We are constantly in a state of learning and that is why we make mistakes. To learn.
So never think that there is something wrong with you if your life seems to be a big pile of mistakes. Instead, see that pile as the lessons you either have learned or are yet to learn.
Taking up the responsibility for your mistakes leads to their acknowledgment which makes way for your Realization and ultimately THE BLISS.